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issi-chan~
27 September 2015 @ 08:14 pm
118.  

Why do they have to fight when we're all here. It's so fucking awkward. Conflict. Conflict. Conflict. I don't really enjoy family gatherings entirely. I try. But a lot of things rise up and they start going back and forth, blaming one another. I hate it. I absorb too much. Absorbing emotions is something I cannot stop. Meh. I hope they tone down.

 
 
issi-chan~
24 September 2015 @ 02:40 pm
117.  
Wow. It's been a while hasn't it? I know I closed this down because I wanted to forget, I wanted to move on, and now that i have, well, there's not point in keeping this closed. This probably is the longest running blog that I have that was updated regularly back then. I remeber writing here to get the attention of someone that used to be special to me. Now I write freely. Anyway, a new found close friend of mine told me I shouldn't throw this blog away and just use it again so that's another reason why I'm back here.

Well... onto.. business.

Over the span of two years or so, a lot of things changed. Among those would be changes within me and my perspective. I've noticed that deep inside I've began to thaw, for the lack of a better word. I noticed that I've started to feel again. Feel, in a sense, watch movies and get affected, maybe even cry. Of course I still am the same person that can feel the pain of others, still the same Cancer girl. I've also started to "mature". Not in all aspects, I'm still a kid at heart with my priorities scattered all over except for things that count the most. But, right now, I'm the only person my parent's can count on. It's not an easy thing, mind you. They rely on me for, say, little things. Small things that help a lot that people don't see. Among which, I've started helping around the house (still not chores...) by paying the internet bill and providing a tiny amount of money for my Mom so she can get by. It's nothing huge, like I said, but it helps nonetheless. Life's been tough and we barely get past everything. The hard part being the rest of the family members aren't cooperating. One brother can't be bothered to help, the other one keeps hiding shit and lying when there's no reason to. It sucks. I know my Mom feels betrayed (again, for the lack of a better term). Imagine if your own son talks about things with someone else and not with you...she must be really sad. It's not like I have a voice here at home, I mean, nothing gets past them. Apparently, I claim to be...numb but I would say I can't exactly handle confrontations because I know I'm going to break. I don't want that. Text messages go unnoticed when I try to talk to my brother about the shit he's been pulling but as usual, I'm ignored.

Lately, my Mom has been talking to me about a lot of things. She unloads her frutrations and feelings onto me. I'm naturally awkward and when things like this happen, I end up shutting my mouth and just sit there and listen. After, my heart drops to the pits of my stomach. As much as I love the relatives on my Mom's side, I hate that there's been an underlying conflict raging. I suppose that, that has been going on for years. No one dares address it. My family is not rich and we barely manage to get by and my Mom said they're questioning my Dad in way they question if he is even doing something. That's bullshit. I may seem like I don't give a shit most often than not, but I do see him. I see him come home from work every day looking haggard, tired just to put food on the table and put my brothers to school. They questioned if my Mom brought us up right, that why aren't we helping out. We used to receive a monthly subsidy to help and suddenly, without any warning, the money stopped coming. It would be okay if they did stop, we could manage, but to do it without warning when the budget's been set, it left my Mom buried in debts. Heck I think she even borrowed mony from me but I don't really remember and I don't bother asking for it.

So, my mom tells me all this. It weighs me down. How do you react to rants related to financial problems? For someone who actually does give as well, it makes me feel like I'm not helping enough. I know that, that's just me. My inferiority complex of never being enough often kicking in. But I can't help  but feel bad. I can't help but feel frustrated. If only the others were to help as well. If they weren't so damn selfish and just living their own lives, things could be better. I'm the middle child. The black sheep, the least favorite. Responsibility was NOT my responsibility. Sadly, there's no one that will shoulder the responsibilty so it all falls to me. It feels heavy. It feels, tiring and sad. It makes me feel like I'm not enough.

I want to be enough though. I want to live comfortably. It seems like a far off dream.

....sighs. Time to catch Z's.
 
 
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Living In Twilight - The Weepies
 
 
issi-chan~
26 June 2012 @ 01:30 pm
116.  
RULES TO LIVE BY AND THINGS TO GET USED TO:

1. Conversations will always start and end with "hey!"
2. Never open up conversation topics. Most of the time the person you're talking to can't be bothered while you're excited about it.
3. There will always be someone else now.
4. Never try to say anything out loud because most of the time you won't get a reaction.
5. Be careful of what to say or better yet, don't say anything at all.
6. Your thoughts belong to you, best not share them.
7. Most of the time, you're not heard, so why share?
8. Make the most of the situation when people actually ask help from you.
9. Find a life.
10. The best person to talk to is yourself.
11. There's nothing you can do about change.
12. People change.
13. You are never permanent in a person's life.
14. Treasure memories, they're the only constant thing in life.
15. Treasure what used to be. You'll never have it again.
Tags:
 
 
issi-chan~
25 June 2012 @ 04:03 am
115.  
I started the day sad, frustrated, insecure, tired and upset. Not to mention waking up late and almost not making it to work on time. I ended the day just about the same. Sad, frustrated, insecure, tired and upset. I welcomed my 23rd year alive and well just about the same.

Unintentional. Intentional. I don't know anymore.

Everyone else has a life. That's their reason. I get it. Everyone is busy. I know that too. Birthdays....will always suck.

Tomorrow won't be any different because I can't do anything about everything anymore. It's useless to even speak of what's on my mind because I can't do anything about it. I guess I would just need to comply. I'm good at that anyway. I just comply to please people because I know more than anything how I can be a burden to those around me. So I will...keep things as is. Give what they want. If they're happy with the set up then let it be. I can adjust. I can adapt. I can get used to this feeling...terrible feeling...I'll numb out eventually. I'll stop caring too much. Effort won't matter. What I think won't matter. What I feel is invalid. It will be kept to myself. Where I can slowly just dig my own grave. Slowly. Eventually.

Days are empty now. I need a new past time. If I keep trying and give things 2nd chances then what'll be left of me? It's emotional suicide don't you think? Being positive and optimistic doesn't get me anywhere.It just leaves me in this kind of disappointed state; a mess. 

Mm. Yeah. I accept defeat. Everyone else wins. 

I can only cling to the past and read logs of how conversations used to be. How effort and initiative used to be. How we used to be. Suppose I already saw this coming. Yet even then whether I explained it or not it wasn't listened to. But things are going as I thought they would and as I've been told...change is inevitable. So I concede defeat.

Crying about it won't help...but it does make my heart feel better. I'll get used to things. Don't worry I'll get better.
 
 
issi-chan~
20 June 2012 @ 12:33 am
114.  
Hmm. I don't why I stay when I clearly am unhappy. Why do I even try? I just keep trying and giving things a second chance, another second chance and just end up in my own little misery over and over again. Fuck society and the people who create them. Fuck those who make people feel less than what they're worth. For making people feel like they don't belong. That they're alone. Fuck them all. Resentment. Hatred? Maybe. It's getting there. I should have never left my "home" a place where I could have grown to become better. A place where there was no one who could pull you down. That criticism was given in a way that you don't feel bad afterwards. Where people are less judgmental. Where people automatically reach out. Where no one felt out of place. Where I was happy. I should have never tried. I shouldn't have gotten sucked in that black hole, that pit of hell. I hate it there. I hate the person I've become. I hate it that things will always be an issue. I hate feeling that pang of loneliness, despise, hurt every single time it's brought up, it's talked about. I hate feeling ignored, replaced, taken for granted, set aside. I hate it that what I do is never enough. Me trying is not enough. I hate what I've become.

I hate me.
 
 
 
issi-chan~
14 June 2012 @ 07:45 am
Expectations.

Lately, it's probably the one thing that's hard to put a border on. Like, when is it good to expect? When is it bad to expect? When do you know you're expecting too much? When do you know that what your'e expecting from others is just or fair? I'm not entirely sure. I don't think I can ever put a borderline on when it's actually enough or when I'm actually lacking in that aspect.

I'm not entirely sure. Say, for others or for someone you stay up late no matter how tired you are, you ask how their day was, you worry about them, you miss them and there isn't a moment that you don't think of them and wishing that you could do just about everything with them. But...you can't really  expect people to do the same for you right? Just because you treat people in a certain way doesn't mean you'll get treated the same way right? 

In a way it kind of disproves the whole "Do not do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you." 

Why? Well no matter how much you treat a person right, there's still a chance where that person won't treat you back with just as much kindness as you give. Sure he'll be kind but..it won't add up at all to how much you're giving. There won't really be an exact same amount of effort a person gives towards the other.

if you don't get just as much as you give you get disappointed. Frustrated. You feel like you lost profit in a business. It's not a good feeling and from what my mother taught me. I should always just give with not waiting or expecting a return. 
 
 
issi-chan~
08 June 2012 @ 08:11 am
113.  
So guess what, I actually passed the revalidation and got in as a probationary employee! After the revlidation  I actually felt really light and more happy. I thought back on why things were so rough back then and I could hardly piece together anything. How small things turned into something so major for me. I suppose I was stressed out by the pressure that I've put upon myself to be a good trainee and to get the job. So I did get in. Of course not with flying colors. There were things that flew out of my head during the panel defense and I got stumped on certain protocols. It was a bit nerve wrecking especially when you were faced with every team head in every game department.

So yeah, I have a job. I'm employed and all. Finally yeah? Hmm, I think right now there will be a renewed pressure. We have monthly feedback and all and I think I'm aiming to be a better employee. I said I'd stick around for a year and so but yeah. Reading yesterday's contract and the guidelines on how to pass probationary employee just had me all riled up again. We were allowed to play yesterday only because the ticket count wasn't as many and we all had our share of answering some tickets but I was kind of...how to put it? Nervous at some point that I'm not doing my job well. I'm not very sure but yeah. :| I must be stressing myself out again. I should relax and just do what I do. If I did well as a trainee then I suppose I'll do well as a probee. It's not that the job is any different right? It's the same thing that I do just that, this time you should be better but yes, everything is a learning experience. There is still a lot to learn and I just have to rid myself of hesitation. I can do this. I know I can. I shouldn't stress myself out. Heck, I don't even know when I'm stressed out. :| ugh what is this.

On other things, I think my knee joints are starting to get tricky. :| I'm getting old fast. -___- Mmmmm. I should ask when I get my full medical exam next week. Ugh I'm afraid of those. What if they find something I didn't know I have. :| I don't want to be sick or anything....or have any disorders. Scary shit......

Birthday's not too far off. I wonder if there will be surprises in store? I have to set aside birthday money plus money to treat friends and all. 
 
 
issi-chan~
03 June 2012 @ 05:12 pm
112.  
My mother loves rubbing things in my face.

Like I just go down to get my iced coffee and at first she says out loud in a tone that she thinks she's victorious and say's "It's dangerous to go to Hong Kong~~~" 

So I ignore. It's the best way to not get riled up and pissed of because heck, I've already been told that whatever my problem is, they can't help so there's really just me and me. Talk about being lonely. Heh. So yeah anyway. I ignore. But it appears she wants to rub it in my face directly and nudges me to get my attention and say, "It's dangerous to go to Hong Kong~~" in that damn fucking taunting tone. 

Yeah I get it. You don't want me to go. You don't want me to go because you know we're not just friends that your negativity and extreme ideas tell you that her parents will sent me to jail for loving their daughter because we're both girls. Yes. I get it. I get it that you can't and will not accept me at all for what I am. That you are clinging to the fact that a day will come that my feelings will change like it did with my ex because I am young and inexperienced and immature. Yes. I get it.

Right now I feel like I'm pretty much the only person in this world. 

Probably no one can help or well they might not want to help or even listen. They're having too much of a good time because at least with them things are going so well. They have these good things to look forward to in a day because they know they have people waiting for them. What about me? I bet a day can by and no one would even care of finding me. I can totally just disappear on anyone....on everyone.

Can't I say I'm too tired too? I don't know why I try so hard to be around when I'm tired. Why I try to listen and see what's up with people and check on them or ask if they're okay or if they're days are going well when I'm tired. Why can't I just tell them "I'm too tired I'm going" that's all I hear people tell me. Too tired. Everyone's too tired.

But I suppose I'm asking for too much. That I'm asking to too much attention. Too much care. Too much love. Too much time. Maybe what I'm asking for is too hard to give. I guess I can't expect anyone to give me the same amount of effort I give them. I guess that's unfair to them. I can't or should never ask for anything.

I don't know what to do. I try and resolve issues with myself. Sure it results to mumbling and talking to myself more than usual but it's probably the best thing I can do so I can try and sort out what's going on in my own head. 

Maybe I'm just thinking of "I" right now instead of "us" or "you" or "them" I should probably change that because I'm turning into some attention hungry, selfish person. 

I guess that happens when....

There's no one there.
 
 
issi-chan~
01 June 2012 @ 02:46 am
111.  
Hmm, so much in my head again.

I had 2 days off a day off from work and in that 2 days I think I've thought and worried about work more than I should have. It's not like my work requires any worry. It's the type of work where you leave work at work and there's nothing to take home and worry about but I think I worry about it more than I should or stress about it when I shouldn't. I try to take my mind off of things and watch movies on my own or find people to scene with which sometimes ends up a bit rare. With work there's no time to scene at all. I got 2 days off and managed a couple. The usual AJCL, DooSeob, DooGina, DoojBom and Ssangyoon. At least I still get to scene. Though it's kind of hard how my muse's partners all have other people to be with while the suvival of mine just rests on their partners.

I've browsed through my twitter feed and noticed how everyone seems to know each other. May it be in RP or school. I realized how small my world is and it felt like I was being choked. Though right now it's more like I'm merely a spectator watching everyone have fun and well, I've never felt lonely like this in a while. Everyone's having fun. Everyone's talking to someone. I try to busy myself with something else because I.....have no one to talk to. Ahh, oh well. It's not the first time anyway.

Anyway, I need to put this in. 

My mom found out about me and Izzy. She said she was open minded about it but well, here's what she had to say...

"You've always been a confused child and you're willing to ry and test everything. All I wish you won't get into deep trouble in the choices you make. I'm very open minded person but sometimes I feel gender is not a preference. I have many classmates who had girlfriends and ended up married now. There is a time in a person's life when they mistake admiration as love. When you gave up Marlon I had a feeling but I want you not to commit to anyone until you fix and know who you are. Til you don't know who you are you will hurt people on the way. Growing up with boys gives you a notion you are one of them believe me I know but you're young and you have so many things to discover. I'm your mom and I know you're a girl. You just rebel at all what it stands for."

Well, I guess I'm broken and I need fixing. 

I don't know why I keep the messages. Why I read them everyday. It's not like I have anyone to talk to about it. I'll just end up saying the same things over and over. There's probably so much going on inside my head, my heart and yeah it takes a toll but I'm okay. I'm usually always okay. 

There's more to that message but well, I'll put it in some other time.

One day I'll really find a place I belong in. One day...
 
 
issi-chan~
29 May 2012 @ 07:56 am
110.  
So here I am today. Probably because this is the best way to "talk" to "someone". This journal at least is a constant thing who doesn't really care what I write here but takes it all in.

The other day my mother described me as a "weed" as I do grow anywhere I am put. It appears I am the most independent among my brothers and I don't really mind what the situation is. I adapt accordingly. If they don't have food for me I go and make ways for me to have food. I don't mind eating alone. I don't mind having a solitary life. It's not bad, being called independent. In fact it's quite flattering to be talked about by your parents as someone who's the easiest to take care of out of the 4 siblings; to think I'm the only girl.

Yesterday I was walking to the bus stop with an officemate and said that someone told her that I was pretty good with my job. Plus the fact that all my exams were pretty high. (what exams?!? I don't remember having taken one...) it felt really nice. A good boost. A good motivation. It appears I was the only one who was really trained into the that department specifically and not to mention the team head already trusts me to answer my own tickets without having to consult him anymore. It's actually feels pretty good when someone says that I'm doing a good job. I want to do a good job and it seems things are paying off pretty well. I'm getting along with the rest of the people in the office too.

Though, one thing I'm not used to in the office is, I'm actually being treated like a girl. Most of the time when in the company of guys, which the office is filled with, I'm treated as one of the guys. Someone they can joke around with and do stuff with knowing that I wouldn't mind at all or I would find an easy comeback. My guy friends in school treated me like one of them, every joke no matter how provocative it was didn't really startle me not to mention they took the liberty of wrestling me on the school floor during the days where we are required to wear PE uniform. Right now though, I'm pretty much treated as one of the girls. It's not a bad feeling but I'm definitely not used to it. 

Well that's pretty much it I guess? My training's almost done I have 3 days left of it. Got my off days tomorrow and Thursday but I got office on a Saturday. I don't mind really. I can't wait to get my money and get absorbed as a probationary and start getting monthly pays. I want to start earning and if I keep doing a good job, then I'll get a better pay sooner. Here's to that.